The Last Marauder
by Tenebres d'Eden
Summary: Standing by Padfoot’s grave, Moony reflects his life with the marauders... and the pain that came along with it. “I wondered if there was any reason to go on: everything I had ever held close to had slipped away from my fingers...” [Oneshot]


**The Last Marauder**

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**Summary**: Standing by Padfoot's grave, Moony reflects his life with the marauders: the good times, the happiest memories... and the deaths along with the betrayal. "I wondered if there was any reason to go on: everything I had ever held close to had slipped away from my fingers, and now..."

**Disclaimer**: Hi. You can call me Y Sunshine, meaning that I'm _not_ J.K. Rowling... meaning that I don't own Harry Potter. Thank-you.

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The sky was a vivid, cerulean blue: the bluest it had ever been. The clouds lazily floated by, delivering a calm, relaxing aura, and it was easy for one to get lost in thought by gazing at the limitless skies and the puffy, snow white clouds. Even down on earth it was immensely peaceful: the flowers were beginning to bloom, and the very first few who managed to come out of the ground were already spreading their heavenly fragrance and color. Even from far away, you could distinctively catch a faint whiff of a blossoming rose or a breathtaking sunflower. The grass was soft and tender, its color a fresh, vibrant bright green. A welcoming, light spring breeze whistled along, bringing the wanted coolness, yet also bringing warmth and comfort.

It seemed like the perfect scenery. It was so peaceful... so welcoming. The comforting aura was so strong that a normal person couldn't help feel content standing on this hill, yet one simple object in the middle of this landscape made it impossible for _me_ to find warmth or happiness. For sitting in front of me... was my best friend's grave.

_Sirius Black_

_1960-1996_

_Died During a Battle Against the Dark Lord_

_R.I.P._

I couldn't believe it. Sirius... _Padfoot_. One of my best mates. The guy I had stood side by side, constantly pranking Hogwarts professors during our school years. The friend who I found comfort in when I felt alone and unwanted. One of the most loyal people I knew, even going as far as becoming an Animagus to make me happy. Sirius was so strong; he was loyal and was made of solely pure good. And now he was gone. Dead, even.

"No!" I murmured fiercely, although I was alone. "He can't... he cannot-..."

Once again, the spring breeze passed by, ruffling my graying sandy hair and bringing a gigantic wave of tears. _Don't cry, Remus_, I told myself. _Be strong._ Yet the tears started falling down, first one miniscule drop at a time, but sooner than I thought, the tears fell down continuously, staining my cheeks and my robe. Before I knew it, I had collapsed on the soft, damp grass, and I felt my body shake with violent sobs. I didn't bother wiping these frustrated, sad tears away. They weren't only for Sirius; these tears were the delayed ones that were supposed to be freed when James had died, when I had learned that Sirius had betrayed Dumbledore and that Peter had died trying to avenge us... and when I finally realized that the wizarding society had been fed with lies for twelve years. These were the tears of sadness, confusion, anger, and pain that I had kept inside me, unwanting for them to well up and reveal my weakness. However... why bother now? I was completely, terribly alone now, and these tears that were meant to come fifteen years ago could not wait any longer.

_Drip, drip, drip._

I tasted salt in my mouth, and as more tears continued to fall, the sadness locked deep within my heart started to swell to enormous proportions. How could this have ever happened? How could we –the infamous marauders- suddenly become as separated as this? One minute we were all together: bounded by life. And the next minute... James and Sirius were dead, and Peter was out there somewhere, serving Voldemort and ignorant of where his loyalties lay, and I –the last marauder left- was breaking apart. How...? _Why...?_

"Why...?" I whispered forlornly, and I closed my eyes, beginning to contemplate about the past.

Somewhere else, birds started chirping merrily to each other, but their musical whistles were ignored by me as my mind wandered to the happy, blissful, ignorant times... my school years with the marauders.

In the depths of my thoughts, James appeared in my mind, his jet-black hair the messiest it had ever been, his glasses slightly crooked, and his famous, mischievous, childish grin pasted on his shining face. Then an image of a teenage Sirius gradually formed: his long, immaculate bangs were hiding his eyes filled with laughter as he tried to hide a suppressed snicker. And then last (and _least_), a young, innocent Peter somehow managed to walk into my mind, showing a shy smile while fidgeting nervously. I instantly clenched my teeth when I remembered how he used to be, inquiring for the millionth time how it could've happened... how Peter could've suddenly transformed and even _betrayed_ us, the marauders... the only friends he had.

Another uncontrollable sob shot through my body, and I grasped my sides, my eyes still closed.

And quite suddenly, I was back in my second year at Hogwarts. Sitting on one of the huge armchairs in the common room with a book in front of my face, I ignored my fellow Gryffindors and was even too buried in the contents of the book to notice James creep on to me until...

"_BOO!"_

I could never forget how he had suddenly taken the book away from me and bared his teeth –obviously trying to scare me. I could never forget how succesful his attempt was; I was truly surprised and more than somewhat scared, immediately backing away from his face on instincts.

"_How's it going, mate?"_

Sirius had then suddenly appeared next to James, not even trying to hide a satisfied snicker as he had gazed at me with interest and curiosity alight in his dark blue eyes. I had glared at them and figured that it had been only a first-time thing, an act to amuse themselves simply because they were bored out of their wits.

"_Leave me alone."_

I, during that time, hadn't known how seriously wrong I had been. Soon, the two mischievous boys had started _stalking_ me, greatly unnerving me and even affecting my studies. Finally, when being directly confronted, both of them had admitted that they had needed a third member for their future group called the marauders and that they had known that I had been a perfect candidate. Scoffing at the idea, I had taken their statement as a joke, because I, one who had been often considered a bookworm, probably hadn't had any funny bone in my body. I now just realized how alone and isolated I had been from the rest of the school before James and Sirius had so abruptly barged into my life; who knew what would've happened to me if I continued turning away from everybody and acting as cold as possible...?

Sirius and James had kept trying to convince me that they had been serious, and finally, more out of my huge desire for them to stop pestering me than my belief, I had finally decided to join, and I had soon figured out that they had meant every single word they had said. Because I had become a marauder, I had changed for the better: I had started to relax around my environment and melt some of the ice in my heart. Of course, I hadn't changed _that_ much to suddenly transform into Sirius; I still had had –and still had- the calm, collected exterior I had been known for, yet I had realized later that I _did_ have a funny bone... and a hidden desire to cause mischief, too. However, I had been still a bookworm, still the calm, thoughtful type... but now also a _marauder_. It had felt great to know that I had been included in something, although I didn't want to admit it then.

"_Don't you feel so much _more_ loved now, Remus?"_

"_..."_

"_Don't pester him, Sirius: we all know that he does feel oh-so much more loved now because of us do-gooders!"_

"_..."_

"_Aw... isn't it cute, James? He's blushing!"_

Later in our second year, we had included Peter in our group, and it had finally seemed as if it was complete: we were James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter... the marauders. It had then become official. However, despite our growing friendship, I never had had the plan to reveal my great secret to them. I had been afraid that once they knew that I was a merciless werewolf, they would leave me, pushing me back to my previous isolated state. Yet –as I feared- I hadn't had the ability to keep the large secret to myself for long, but –to my surprise and immense relief- Sirius, Peter, and James hadn't decided to leave me when the terrible realization had fallen upon them. Instead... they had decided to become Animagi to help me during my greatest times of distress. No words could describe the relief and the everlasting happiness singing in my heart when they had announced this to me, and no matter how much I had pestered them on how dangerous it was, my fellow marauders had never backed down upon their decision...

"_Sirius! James! This is not one of the simple pranks we plan everyday! You can die trapping yourself with me during a full moon! Don't you understand...!"_

"_Calm down, Remus. _Breathe._ Sirius, Peter, and I know that there are more risks in this, but you are our best friend, and we can't just watch you suffer every month. It won't help much, but we hope it'll ease the pain. Whether you like it or not, Remus... we _care_ for you."_

"_Yeah!"_

"_..."_

"_Yes, you ungrateful bastard... we _do_ care for you. Now be quiet and let us ramble on about the future, great adventures we'll have while dodging your wrath!"_

"_SIRIUS!"_

I had had several rows with my friends on that issue, and sometimes, the arguments had become rather heated. However, in the end, I had succumbed to my friends' wishes and had then tried to help them transform into Animagi by looking into as many books as I could... which –considering the speed of my reading skills- had helped greatly during their training to perform this complex spell. None of us had predicted the next three grueling years, yet we all had agreed in the end that it had been worth it, and I couldn't help resist the urge to hug all three of them in gratitude for their consideration and care.

Reliving the blissful feelings I had felt then brought more tears, and soon the brief shadow of happiness was replaced by a gigantic, surging wave of infinite sorrow. It pierced through my spirit, and I wondered how long I could tolerate this vengeful arrow of despair.

Trying to push the savage melancholy into the depths of my mind, I continued to savor the good times we, the marauders, had before the full blast of the war knocked us off our feet.

Fifth year was full of great and unpredicted events. Of course, like the last year, James had desperately tried to get Lily, his new love, to notice him, and his head had swollen to a drastic size, much to my annoyance... though I could've sworn that Padfoot had liked that change. I had watched Prongs attempt every trick he had known for Lily to finally get to like him, yet I had always realized that he had been heading towards a totally wrong direction. Also during this year, Prongs and Padfoot's hatred towards Snape had... somehow magnified to a new level. Padfoot had started to hate the Slytherin with such a passion that he had –without thinking- played a possibly fatal trick on him on one cold January night. Thankfully, Prongs had managed to save Snape before he had become properly acquainted with the beast within me. And when I had figured out the prank, I had yelled at Sirius and refused to talk to him for two long weeks.

"_How can you be so stupid, Sirius!"_

"_I'm sorry, Moony... I really am. I guess I wasn't thinking straight and..."_

"_Of course you wasn't thinking straight, you idiot! I could never live with myself if I knew that I had done something terrible to someone when I lost control... even if it's Snape! You didn't think about that, did you!"_

"_... No, I didn't. I'm... I'm so sorry."_

"_I can't look at you now. I need to think."_

The thought of possibly harming someone when I was in my werewolf form always extremely horrified me, especially during my school years, when the Wolfsbane Potion wasn't created yet. Sometimes during my school years, I had had nightmares in which I had bitten one of my Animagi friends, and every time when I would wake up from them, I would fight the urge to scream, pushing back the feelings of fear and guilt, and attempting to breathe normally while trying to remind myself that it had been only a dream. They had been absolutely terrifying, those dreams –no, _nightmares_- and sometimes I still dreamed them. That had been why a part of me had felt betrayed when I had learned that Sirius had almost managed to get Snape killed; Sirius himself had later realized his horrible, foolish mistake, especially after I had used his real name –something we marauders had rarely done since we had created our nicknames in the end of second year- during a furious row.

I had never truly hated Snape. True, he had tried to get us expelled many times, and he had called us names and constantly tried to provoke us. Yet I had known that although he may have truly loathed us then, it had been solely because of his jealousy and his want to be popular... to be liked. I had known that Snape had been one of the unpopular ones at school; he hadn't even had many Slytherin friends, and he had mostly kept to himself. During rare occasions, I could see myself in him: past the unbearable face, the greasy, black hair, and the automatic sense of resentment felt when you were near him... to the isolated and cold child who had still wanted to be desperately liked by others. I had sometimes felt completely guilty about letting Prongs and Padfoot harass him so badly, yet a cold, contemptuous part of me had always whispered that he had deserved all this. After all, he had been a _Slytherin._ And I knew that Snape still resented me now, uncaring about the fact that I had lost almost everybody close to me. Needless to say, I couldn't pity him anymore.

During my sixth year, I had somehow become friends with Lily Evans, although I had to admit we couldn't have become very great ones, because of her dislike for the marauders and my being one of them. However, she had still accepted me for who I had been, and she had even tolerated me when I had tried to convince her to give Prongs a second chance, telling her that he wasn't as bad as she had thought he was. During those times, she would just snort and try to talk about another subject. With her brilliant red hair and her shining emerald green eyes, I could see why Prongs had pledged his undying love to her. And it had been not only her extraordinary looks that were admired: her sweet (well, _mostly_), caring, and thoughtful personality were always as radiant as her looks, according to me. I had tried to point out to Prongs then that if he had wanted to win Lily, he should deflate his head and try to reveal her sweet and thoughtful side. However, because of his thick-headness, he had just merely ignored me, completely believing that his false arrogant facade had been working. He had truly been an idiot, believing that, and I was thankful that he managed to change during our last year of school. Sixth year had made us all wiser to some point, yet even then, the marauders' only true worry had been to get caught by the teacher and be sentenced to an arduous week of detention.

"_I can't believe McGonagall did that to us, you guys!"_

"_Yeah! Having to serve one –not _two_- whole weeks of detention... just because we secretly died her hair pink!"_

"_I swear... nothing can be worse than this... _nothing._ And you're right, Peter: we don't deserve this at all!"_

We had been extremely foolish to think that way, yet we had all been living under the protection of Hogwarts then, knowing about the war raging on elsewhere yet not fully comprehending. Sooner than we had thought, our last year at school arrived...

Seventh year. It had come and it had went faster than I could've ever imagined...

"_Hey, mates: I have made an important decision this summer."_

"_Are you going to finally give up on Lily, Prongs?"_

"_Are you going to become a famous Quidditch player?"_

"_Are you _finally_ going to listen to me and start deflating your massive head, James?"_

"_No, Padfoot: I will certainly _not_ give up on Lily. Wormtail, I have always known I would become a famous Quidditch player; I'm not as slow as you are. And _yes_, Moony: I will try to, as you say it, 'deflate my massive head.'"_

As flashes of Prongs becoming a new and better person and impressing Lily against her will raced through my head, a fierce longing to see and talk to him again took over me. Tears that were supposed to be stopped now flowed as ferociously as ever as I buried my face in my hands, trying unsuccessfully to stop the tears from welling up from my torn soul and the sobs that persistently surged up.

"Prongs..." I whispered, shaking and gritting my teeth to stop the tears. "Prongs..."

All of a sudden, I was back at his wedding, watching proudly as Prongs stepped onto the altar and gazed lovingly at his soon-to-become wife. Despite the veil hiding her delicate face, I knew that Lily's eyes were radiating with affection –a unique feeling of love that could only be directed to one person- to Prongs. I felt tremendously pleased for the groom, who was finally having his heart's desire come true. And I knew that they were both meant to be when James wrapped his arms around his bride and drew her in for loving and passionate kiss, his face glowing with infinite joy. Lily merely smiled and kissed back, drawing away once to glance and wink at me, mouthing a "you were right" before getting caught in the embrace once more.

Sirius was standing on the side, beaming and also watching his best mate and his bride with tenderness. Peter never attended the wedding, and during that time, I thought he had a good excuse for not coming, although Sirius and I took some effort into dedicating our limited time to this once-in-a-lifetime event. Now I knew that Peter had had the worst excuse ever: he had been planning on killing Prongs during the happiest day of his life. The memories dissipated as anger coursed every vein in my body: anger at that corwardly and selfish rat... and anger at myself for not believing Sirius, my best friend, and letting all this happen...

A fist came down, colliding with the soft, tender earth with a dull thud. Breathing heavily, the fateful Halloween night unexpectedly came to my mind. With the memory came the feeling of utter surprise, disbelief, pain, and complete horror... everything I had felt during that night. It had been all too sudden, all too strong... for simple words to describe. In just one night, James and Peter had been killed because of Sirius' betrayal... or so it was thought. I remembered the night all too vividly: my life had seemed to crash upon me when I had heard the news, and suicide then had seemed like a good possibility to end all this pain... all this unbearable hurt.

Yet somehow I had managed to move on, to cope with my life while mourning for my best friends and cursing the traitor. However, it had never clicked, the horrible facts that had been circling and taunting me for the twelve years before I had discovered that Sirius was innocent. Perhaps deep within my heart, I had never believed that Sirius had betrayed Lily and James, and that there had had to be a better explanation. After all, besides for his mischief, Padfoot had always been known as the most loyal one in our group... and hearing about his betrayal... it had seemed completely impossible. And in the end, it was.

I could not relive the gigantic tsunami of relief that had washed upon me when I had so abruptly realized that Sirius had been innocent all along, the great night when the burden on my shoulders had considerately lightened... the terrible night when Peter –that piece of filth- had escaped to join his crumbled master again. However, despite all that, a tiny flame of hope had been born on that night of the full moon: the hope that Sirius and I could reforge our bond and finally work together like we should've.

I could never forget the calm sense of eternal peace I had felt when we had come together, wands in our hands, to destroy Peter once in for all. The gigantic guilt that weighed upon my spirit immediately after I had realized Sirius had never been the traitor had disappeared when he had forgived me, and I knew that Padfoot had felt the same when I had forgived him, too. I wondered now if he had ever felt this odd feeling of absolute serenity when we had been so close to destroying the object that would soon become the reason for Voldemort's resurrection...

Finally, my tears and sobs gone for now, I wiped away the remainder tears and finally opened my eyes... and almost had an heart attack, rereading the simple letters that seemed like a final statement... something that spelled out my fate.

_Padfoot was gone._

Never would I hear his snickers, his relieved laughter... never would I be able to sense and share his contagious happiness. I could only stare at his depressing grave, tears threatening to pour out once again as I bit my lip and forced myself to accept the reality of this situation. _Sirius is dead, _I told myself, breathing in deeply in attempt to calm myself. _But you have to move on: this is what Padfoot would've wanted you to do... what _Prongs_ would've wanted you to-..._

Thinking about the loss of my two best friends in the entire world made me feel the gaping hole in my heart even more: the pain of the deaths, lies, and the betrayal was almost too much to handle... No, it _was_ too much. My heart twisted and turned, and I grimaced, feeling the biting sadness as if it was physical pain. Everything I was feeling now –the agonizing anger, the everlasting grief, and the pain that had always held me back since the day I had been bitten- was eating my soul away, crushing my already vulnerable heart and annihilating what was left of my cowardly spirit.

"Why... why should I go on...?" I whimpered, my breaths suddenly becoming shallow and labored.

Closing my eyes, I remembered that I used to –and still did- believe that people who wished to end their lives were cowards. After all, life was full of opportunities, and before I had just thought that all the bad things in the world were simply obstacles to conquer to live your life to the fullest. And maybe all the dreadul happenings that had kept occurring to me were just obstacles, but this time... I could not win over them. I wondered if there was any reason for me to go on: everything I had ever held close to had slipped away from my fingers, and now...

"I was always a coward," I murmured sorrowfully, softly touching the smooth stone that was Padfoot's tomb.

I was about to collapse, no hope radiating from me, no light keeping me going, when a gentle, yet firm and cool wind somehow stopped me. I had no idea why a trivial breeze could stop me in my tracks, yet I began to open my eyes. Just as I was doing so, two warm –yet _cool_- hands wrapped themselves around mine, and startled, I looked up... and gasped in utter astonishment.

"P-... Padfoot..." I inquired weakly, gazing at his transparent form as he crouched next to me.

Beaming a confident, reassuring smile, the apparition simply let me do the math myself.

"But... it can't-... you're-... you're _dead_-..." I mumbled, gazing confusingly into his warm, caring eyes.

No words escaping his lips, Sirius' ghost merely gazed calmly at me, willing me to do something... yet what? Abruptly, another stronger wind picked up, and it formed a tiny whirlwind in front of the grave before the winds finally transformed into Prongs himself, who started gazing at me with solemn hazel eyes. My previous depression forgotten, I looked up to them in wonder and murmured more to myself than to them:

"What do you want me to do...? What...?"

The spirits of my two best friends continued to look at me with an expectant glinter in their eyes, yet I was ignorant and afraid: what if I didn't do what they wanted me to...? What if... what if I let them down... _again?_ Staring straight at them, I then saw the soft reassurance in their eyes, the dancing shimmers that promised me that everything would be fine. And although they were both only ghosts, the apparitions of dead people, there was an obvious brilliant light of life radiating from them... an inexplicable aura that touched and soothed every fiber in my body, the feeling that made death seem far away, a sensation that wanted me to-...

And abruptly, it came to me. Slowly and unsurely standing up while still feeling the light sensation of Sirius' hands on mine, I looked determinedly at both of of my best mates and voiced their desires:

"I-... I know that life has been pretty harsh on me... but I'm still going to go on... to battle the hardships... to hope for a better future... to_ live_ . Like you would've wanted."

Prongs' face broke into a proud grin, and Padfoot's beam, if possible, simply grew wider. And I –for the first time in a long time- smiled, too.

Somewhere out there, the birds chirped merrily to each other as the domineering, great aura of spring loomed ahead, accompanied by undefined happiness. The first few flowers of May sent off their amazing scents while the lush, vivid verdant grass continued to grow and prosper. The sky was the bluest it had ever been, and the puffy, snow white clouds lazily floating by, spreading the tranquility everywhere.

And this scenery, for once, matched my mood exactly.

_.. : Fin :.._

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**A/N**: My first one-shot. I have tried to describe the details as vividly as possible and portray the atmosphere in such an intense style that you can almost feel it. I'm not sure if I am quite successful though. This idea just came to me one day, and it seemed like such a good, strong one that I decided to try it out: like most of my stories, it didn't come out quite exactly like I wanted to, but I still like the results.

If you have read Betrayed, another of my Harry Potter fanfic that has just being finished, please tell me if I improved the details in my new one-shot.

I would immensely like to thank Urei-sama, whose advice I seriously took to write my story. Urei-sama, if you're reading this, I hope you'll tell me if I improved with my details and the intensity of the atmosphere . You're my # 1 critic!

Please review if you have any comments, criticism, and/or advice. It will be greatly appreciated.


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